The Random Missadventures of Haruhi Suzumiya
by A Rock Obama
Summary: Random Haruhi stories that I write. What adventures can the SOS Brigade get themselves into? What new threats to the universe will they face? I don't know. Probably something cool.
1. Vanishing Part 1

**The Vanishing of Haruhi Suzumiya - Part 1**

I never seem to get a break. It seems like every week there's some sort of trouble with Haruhi. And I'm always the one who has to fix it. I can't necessarily complain, I mean, this is the world I chose, but a little break would be nice.

I guess I should start at the beginning of the week. It was the end of the school day so I was sitting in the club room as I do everyday. Asahina-san was wearing he maid outfit brewing her savory tea. Nagato seemed to be reading some book. I couldn't read the title, it appeared to be in Arabic. Koizumi sat across from me, we were engaged in a game of Othello. Haruhi hasn't arrived yet, which seemed awfully suspicious. She doesn't have cleaning duty today, so I don't know what could be holding her.

Koizumi gave me his signature fake smile. "It appears something is holding Suzumiya-san"

Really? I haven't noticed.

"It would seem most likely that she has some sort of new activity for the Brigade to partake in."

"Well I hope it's nothing universe threatening."

"Who knows? Knowing Suzumiya-san, anything is a possibility. We really won't know until she gets here."

Please don't tell me that was the extent of what you wanted to talk about.

Koizumi simply shrugged. Ugh, this guy just loves to hear himself talk. I don't know how I put up with this. Oh wait I remember.

"Here's your tea Kyon!" Oh Asahina, your tea is the only thing keeping me sane.

Anyway the rest of us sat around waiting for the plot to start for ten more minutes when Haruhi came crashing through the door. Now when I say crashing I mean literally. We had to get someone to replace the door. Luckily Koizumi knew someone who could do that for us. A member of his organization no doubt.

"You can't just break doors whenever you feel like it," I scolded at Haruhi.

"Whatever, the door was too weak anyway."

Hey don't blame the door! That door was a courageous individual who did not deserve this untimely death!

"It doesn't matter anyway. That's the past. We need to look at the present or we'll be stuck in the past! We can't possibly hope to find exciting phenomenon if we keep getting stuck up about what's already behind us!"

Haruhi please start making sense.

"So anyway, I have some exciting news! I heard we are going to get another mysterious transfer student! And they're from America!"

Well that makes sense. Our group does seem to lack a foreign character. Of course this usually only happens in anime or manga, but this is Haruhi. No doubt this transfer student will have blond hair. How else will we know they're foreign?

"This is exciting news, truly," Koizumi said, "tell me, when are we going to meet this person?"

"They're transferring tomorrow, so I'll bring them by the club room after classes!"

The rest of the meeting was fairly uneventful. Haruhi seemed to be writing something on her computer, though I never got a chance to find out what. Maybe I'll sneak on later. I beat Koizumi several times in Othello. Finally Haruhi got up and went home. I waited a few minutes after she was gone to confront the rest of the Brigade.

I looked at Koizumi, "is this new transfer student with your organization?"

"We haven't sent anyone new to school. There are others in this school but this new transfer student is not one of them."

"What about you Nagato, is this person from your faction?"

"Negative. This new transfer student appears to be from a faction that is not related to Koizumi's, Asahina's or my own factions. They are of a completely new faction."

"Do you know what faction that is?"

"I do not."

"How interesting," Koizumi smiled, "this game seems to have yet another player. No doubt this new transfer student has an interest in Suzumiya-san. Perhaps they're with the United States government?"

I place the palm of my hand on my face. Great, another person observing Haruhi. And we don't even know they're motivation. Hopefully they're not dangerous.

It was about time for us to head home, so we ended the conversation there. I guess we would deal with this new character tomorrow. Sigh. I don't need this. Maybe ill just stay home tomorrow and let them deal with it. No. That wouldn't be fair. I guess ill just hope for the best.

Haruhi seemed to be inn a great mood the next day. "You seem to be in a good mood today."

"Well of course! Who could not be excited when there is a mystery!"

You're the real mystery.

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean?"

Nothing, forget it.

Haruhi frowned for a moment, but then continued with her upbeat state.

Class came and went and soon it was time for the meeting of the SOS Brigade. Everyone but Haruhi was present, since she was collecting the new student. Soon we heard the door open.

In stepped what seemed to be the new transfer student. He had blond hair not only on his head, but around his neck as well. He held a katana, which I don't think he should be allowed to have in school. However, his most striking feature was the black fedora that sat atop his head. Oh God, he's an ironic gentlesir.

"Excuse me M'ladies, I hope I'm not intruding." He said in the cringiest way possible.

"Wow, he's such a nice guy!" Asahina-san said. Damnit Asahina-san! Don't praise this guy!

The transfer student gently lowered the front of his fedora, "It's my privilege. I'm sorry I don't think we've been acquainted. My name is Doug, and you are..."

"I'm, Itsuki Koizumi, and these are my acquaintances, Mikuru Asahina, Yuki Nagato, and Kyon." Why did you have to use that nickname? Will someone please call me by my real name? Wait, what is my real name? I don't think I even remember. Oh God.

When my internal crisis was over I slowly came to a realization that something was amiss. Haruhi hadn't came in with Doug.

"Hey, Doug, have you seen Haruhi? I thought she would 've bringing you here."

Doug smiled and lowered the rim of his fedora. "Why Kyon, Haruhi Suzumiya doesn't exist."


	2. Vanishing Part 2

**The Vanishing of Haruhi Suzumiya - Part 2**

If this sort of scenario hadn't happened already I wouldn't have believed him. I mean Haruhi can't just disappear, right? But this wasn't mere disappearance, like last time, he said she doesn't existed to begin with. I studied his face, hoping this was simply a bad joke. But behind his confident smile was a face that revealed no sign of anything but complete seriousness.

"Wha- what do you mean not exist?" Asahina-san whimpered.

Doug's fingers found the front side of his fedora and slightly lowered it before returning it to it's original position, "I'm sorry, M'lady. Was I unclear? I meant precisely what I said, the person you know as Haruhi Suzumiya does not exist."

"Well she existed twenty minutes ago, so what the hell did you do to her?!" I wanted to strangle this person who had the audacity to casually waltz in and tell me my friend no longer existed. I lost Haruhi once already, I really don't want to go through this a second time.

"That, is, a complicated matter," I just noticed that Doug had a very punchable face. "You see, I did not cause this, Suzumiya herself did."

Why would Haruhi make herself stop existing? She couldn't be so bored that she just stops existing, right? No, she was far too excited today. Something else seemed to be up. I studied the atrocity that sat on top of Doug's head. That was no ordinary fedora. I can't say for certain, but it seemed to be radiating with some sort of energy. Koizumi seemed to notice this too, as he also stared into Doug's headwear with a pleasant smile on his face.

"Well, I must say, that is some interesting headwear you have. It seems clear to me that you are working for a group known as the White Knights."

"Hmm, I guess it was a little obvious."

Wait, who are the White Knights? Another faction?

"Indeed," Koizumi smiled, "we had a minor running in with them several weeks ago. Though their base is in the United States, they seem to be sending more agents over here, such as our friend there." Don't call him friend! Have you forgotten that he made Haruhi Vanish into thin air?

"I already told you I was not the direct cause."

"Well then what was?" I couldn't take this anymore. Somebody better give me some freaking answers.

Doug sipped on his tea. Oh, I forgot to mention that we all were now sitting at the table and Asahina-san had served tea. I don't remember when in our conversation this had happened. Despite my boiling rage, everyone else seemed unreasonably calm about this. Was this some kind of game? Anyway, Doug began to speak. "Well, yo see it all started after class. I ran into Suzumiya in the hallway. She was clearly head over heels in love with me, for I was such a nice guy. While I contemplated what gentlemanly feats I would perform next, I was caught up in a wave of Euphoria. My fedora tipped itself and I declared to Suzumiya that God does not exist. She was gone that next second."

"I see," Koizumi smiled. What do you see? How can you see anything, your eyes are always closed.

Koizumi looked at me and then at Doug. "Well you see, we at the agency found that Haruhi Suzumiya is God, or a god. Given that the White Knights are advent browsers of Reddit, I see that no one in your organization would consider this. But when the wave of Euphoria overtook you, it also caused Suzumiya-san to believe the words you uttered, in this case that there was no God. However Suzumiya-san's powers caused reality to shift to her new beliefs, but since she herself was God, this reality shift caused her to stop existing all together."

Koizumi that doesn't make any sense. You're telling me this guy's fedora magic can make people believe anything? That's stupid.

"Perhaps, but it seems like the only explanation to the events that have transpired."

Doug spoke up again, "Well, that explains her sudden disappearance. Listen, I came here because I need your help. The White Knights are not going to be too happy that I lost her. But I have no idea how to bring her back."

"Hey Asahina-san, you're a time traveler right? Can you get permission from the future to go back and time and fix this?" I asked.

"Oh, uhh, you're right, I am from the future..." Asahina-san whimpered unsurely. "Ahh, I'm getting Classified Information right now."

Unsurprising. I'm sure the future is freaking out over Haruhi's sudden vanishing.

"Uhh, Kyon, this time plane is currently really unstable. We need to go back in time immediately." Why do I always have to go? "That's Classified Information."

Asahina-san grabbed my hand. Under less dire circumstances this would have overwhelmed me with immense pleasure, but now was not the time to think about such things. Well maybe a little. I closed my eyes and prepared to go back in time yet again. What was this, the fourth time? Something like that. I'm too lazy to check.

When I opened my eyes we were standing in the club room. I looked at the clock. It seemed to be thirty minutes before lunch time. I grabbed Asahina-san and went down to my shoe locker. I was fairly sure Asahina (Big) had left instructions for me. Sure enough there was a folded piece of paper left in my locker. I opened it up and instantly recognized Asahina (Big)'s handwriting. Asahina (small) also looked, though apparently she didn't even recognize her own handwriting.

The note said, "take Doug's fedora from his gym locker, then give it to Nagato. She'll know what to do. P.S. he uses locker #69."

"Well, that seems simple enough," I said in quotations as opposed to my usual vague narrator speak, "let's head down to the gym."

The PE classes were still going on, so no one was in the locker room. I snuck inside, leaving Asahina-san outside to stand guard. It would have been immoral of me to allow her into the men's locker room. I found locker 69, and much to my dismay there was a lock that required a three letter code. Mathematically there were 729 possible combinations to this lock, and I really didn't have all day. I decided it would be safer to bet that Doug made his password something that would be easy to guess. I had to think hard. I haven't been on Reddit very often, but even I know that there is only one three number combination any self respecting neckbeard (an oxymoron if I ever heard one) would use. 420. There was no other option. I'm sure Doug thought he was hilarious when he thought this up. I put in the numbers, and sure enough it worked on the first try. Great, I still have twenty minutes before gym ends.

I ran out of the locker room and grabbed Asahina-san.

"Uahhh," she squealed as we took off towards the literary club room. Sure enough when we arrived Nagato was sitting in the corner reading some hard cover book. Nagato but down the book for a second and spoke.

"..."

I handed the fedora to Nagato. "Can you fix this?"

"There is no possible way to 'fix' a fedora in any sense of the word. The clothing item known as a fedora was hopeless from it's very conception. It's creation itself was flawed and therefore cannot be amended without major alterations to space time."

Was that a joke? I just want you to make it lose its mind control powers.

"I can do that," Nagato grabbed the abomination that sat on Doug's head and spoke some incarnation.

Nagato handed me back the fedora. "The fedora was infested with a minor data thought entity known as the Reddit hive mind. I was able to erase most of the data so that it is not powerful enough to alter chemical processes in the brain."

That makes no sense, but thank you Nagato. I took the fedora and quickly ran back to the locker room. Gym had not gotten out yet so I was able to successfully return the fedora without anyone noticing.

I sighed in relief. At least this ordeal was over.

The only thing left to do is wait until we caught up with the present. Good grief.

The brigade meeting went normally this time. Haruhi introduced us to Doug, as we pretended that this was our first encounter. Luckily Doug didn't stay for long. He left for the computer club shortly after. Hopefully I won't have to see him or his fedora again for awhile.


End file.
